Sooooo Stephanie, Jon, and I went to see the new Transformers movie tonight.  Steph didn't want to see it but I paid for her ticket and dragged her along anyway and we blew ~3 hours at the big box theater for some American Entertainment (explosions, humor based on humping dogs and racism, tits, and maybe a few robots thrown in there just to be safe).  Anyway, this is sort of a review, sort of not, but, um... SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS.  Will that do?  I hope so, because I'm pretty sure most TF fans have seen this shitty movie by now.  (Actually, I was surprised at the high amount of people who were in the theater.  Surprised and, well, rather irritated.)

I... cannot think of a film where I have uttered "o lawd" so many times before.  This is... this is not a good thing.  And since I have more negative things to say than good, first allow me to get the good things out of the way... I can maybe only think of two or three examples.

Firstly, Megatron and Starscream.  They had several good scenes together, Starscream sounded like Starscream, and... yes.  Somehow, somehow they managed to put some good Megatron/Starscream interaction into this 2.5-hour shitpile of a movie.

Secondly, Ravage.  Yes, his face looked like hell, but he had rocket packs on his back, he was ejected from Soundwave, and he was generally catlike in behavior.  I enjoyed Ravage.

And, thirdly, a device to blow up the sun mounted on top of a pyramid.  I like this for all the wrong reasons.  It's ridiculous, and absolutely, incredibly STUPID in the context of a supposedly-serious movie, but in the context of something G1-related, it's brilliant.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it HAPPENED in an episode of G1, except it was an Incan pyramid, and in that episdoe, you could tell the good guys and the bad guys apart.

Whew, now that that's over with, on to the bulk of the movie: the shittiness.

I mentioned this on Twitter: the first hour of the movie did not feel like a Transformers movie.  In fact, it didn't seem connected at all to the previous Transformers movie -- a film that, yes, had its faults (and many of them), but I enjoyed to a certain extent (and, hey, it got me into the fandom in the first place). 

There seems to be a serious flaw with how Michael Bay portrays Optimus Prime -- it wasn't so much of an issue in the first movie, but it was really apparent here.  In this incarnation, Optimus doesn't have any qualms about killing anyone -- that includes Decepticons (beings who he spares or at the very least pities in basically every TF incarnation prior to Bayformers).  Here, he's decapitating people, setting them on fire, ripping their arms off, tearing their faces in half (GIVE ME YOUR FACE) -- ad nauseum.  He's more fucking ruthless than Megatron.  In fact, I think he's got a higher body count than Devastator.  Something's obviously wrong here.

Robot Racism!  Okay, yeah, some people are going on about "oh, hey, the Autobots download their personalities from the Internet, that's why some of them are talking in ebonics."  Um, no, that's not how it works.  Jazz is one thing, and yes, he was the token black guy last movie (look, G1 Jazz was black, but he wasn't token black), but when you've got the DERP TWINS going around and talking in ebonics, claiming to not know how to read, sporting gold teeth and generally acting the black stereotype, you know you've got a problem.  And one of them was even voice by a white guy (as in Tom Kenny.  SpongeBob... TFA Starscream).  This makes little sense. 

Objectifying women!  I'd rather be complaining about Transformers-related problems, but Michael Bay seems to love selling his films by zooming in on titties wobbling in slo-mo.  This does not amuse me.  I may like teh boobz (well, only a certain someone's boobs), but I sure as hell don't want to see Megan Fox's tits flying everywhere.  Nor do I want to see her humping a motorcycle or lying prone with her legs spread, or see her lips parted in what is certain to turn result in an offscreen blowjob.  In fact, Megan Fox was more tolerable last movie.  I didn't know such a thing was possible.  

Robo-gore.  Let it be known that a little bit of robo-gore is never a bad thing.  In small amounts it's right up my alley, for reasons that won't be discussed here -- but the amount of robot gore in this movie was sickening.  Way over the top, IMO.  It's one thing to have shrapnel and sparks flying everywhere but it's another to have gooey shit.  Not even lying.  The way Ravage was killed nearly made me vomit and I still don't want to think about it.

According to Michael Bay there's upwards of 40-something robots in this movie.  Okay, I'll take his word for it, but it's pretty hard to tell them apart mid-battle.  There were Decepticons popping up who all looked rather similar, whose names were never mentioned, and seemed to be pretty easy to take down with a few machine gun rounds.  What do they transform into?  Who knows!  Because this totally isn't a film about transforming robots, it's about America's military strength, didn't you know?!

Shia La-however you spell his name. Bay should just rename the movies to SAM WITWICKY AND HIS WACKY ADVENTURES (guest starring some robots who also do wacky things).  The movie was basically about him and not Prime et al, running around Egypt and doing wacky Indiana Jones-esque adventures.  Also guest-starring John Turturro's buttcrack.

Other items of note:

- There was a fight in a forest.  Not sure where, exactly, this forest was supposed to be, but I'm pretty fucking sure I saw some trees blow up.  As in, there was an explosion, a fiery one, and there was shrapnel.  Coming from the trees.
- Suddenly, Princeton, or whatever the hell Ivy League school it was supposed to be, is full of slutty college women.  Never saw that one coming.
- Not sure what the fuck The Fallen was supposed to be, but it sure wasn't explained very well.  I'm not really that sure I want it to be explained.
- I still can't wrap my brain around all the fucking TINY robots.  We're talking LARGE robots in disguise here, people!  Not evil toasters and garbage disposals.
- Devastator is not formed from several robots.  It's one large robot formed from several construction vehicles.  These vehicles do not turn into robots.  And this Devastator is even more moronic than its G1 counterpart.  Huh.

Overall, this movie was incredibly stupid, et cetera, but what it lacks -- and what its predecessor certainly had -- was a sense of awe.  That awe of seeing the Autobots first transform, first talk, first fight, etc.  This movie had none of that.  They were background noise while Shia & Co. ran around trying to solve Indiana Jones puzzles.  Oh and explosions.

How to be healthy.  At least, what I'm doing to try and be healthy.  This is, in no way, a comprehensive, all-encompassing guide.  And there are plenty of things I'll be listing that I really need to work on, too.  In other words, this isn't complete, nor is it official, it's just what I do.  I don't know where to start so I'm just going to list off things as they come to mind.

- Go outside every chance you can get.  Even if the weather isn't ideal, go outside for a little walk.  If the weather is nice, and you have no other priorities (such as work), then you have no excuse not to go outside (unless, you know, you're injured).  It isn't natural or healthy to be breathing the stale, canned air that we so frequently inhale when we're indoors, especially in a small room, apartment, or dorm.  At the very least, have your windows open.

- Listen to music.  Any kind of music.  In the car, when you're on the computer (surfing the internet or working on homework), if you're exercising.  Music provides mental stimulation and is far more valuable than watching TV, or having the TV as background noise.  And, generally, music is better than a silent car or apartment.

- Limit packaged foods.  Pre-packaged cookies and chips, microwave meals, and frozen dinners are not only poor for your health, but involve a heck of a lot of packaging that all goes to the landfills.  Instead of buying a carton of Chips Ahoy, make your own cookies -- they taste better anyway.

- Read books.  This is something that I really have to work on... I've always loved reading but in recent years I've had trouble getting excited about any novels.  And, unfortunately, computer use has really cut into the time I've traditionally set aside for reading.

- Unless there's something on television that you really need/want to watch, leave the TV off.  95% of it is garbage and advertisements, anyway.  If you find yourself channel surfing and you've passed by the same channel more than once, it's time to turn it off and do something else.  I have, in no way, ridden myself of TV use.  I habitually watch Red Wings hockey (and general hockey, during the playoffs), as well as the odd cartoon (usually only Transformers Animated) -- but as soon as the program is over, the television is off.

- Drink things that are, generally, beneficial to your health.  I've always had a weakness for coffee, but I've cut my coffee intake drastically and I generally only drink about three cups a week, tops.  It's usually less.  Certain teas are good for you; they help you relax and can improve your mood.  Fruit juice is a case where you have to look at the label and see whether or not it's pure sugar and if it truly does have fruit in its ingredients.  Water -- which is something I need to drink more -- is more refreshing and hydrating than soda, which brings me to my next point:

- Soda, pop, whatever -- it's not good for you.  It's horrible for your teeth, it increases your weight, and it's pumped full of caffeine, acid, and other disgusting stuff.  Diet sodas are just as bad, if not worse (look it up online).  That said, not all sodas are created equal, and some are, admittedly, more "healthy' (or, more realistically, "less bad") for you.  I occasionally treat myself to a bottle of root beer or ginger ale, but it's good stuff, not crap in a can sold by Coca-Cola or PepsiCo.

- Concerning alcohol, of course limit your intake.  I do drink beer, but rarely ever more than a bottle at once.  I might have three or four beers a week, but never more and often less.  If you do drink, drink with friends or your significant other, but do not drink alone.  In my opinion, it's depressing behavior; alcohol, for me, is meant to be enjoyed with enjoyable people.

- Limit, if not entirely omit, your meat/dairy/eggs intake.  Cue people going crazy, saying vegetarianism and/or veganism is a mental disorder -- that's not a stretch, because at one time, that would have been me.  At this point, I'm not a "complete" vegan, as I will still occasionally eat food with milk and dairy products.  Concerning meat, I do crave it now and then but in the future, if I am to eat it, I'd prefer to buy it locally (for example, at the co-op) and not from some massive, disgusting cattle corral.  This sort of thing requires serious decision-making and research, as well as simple cooking know-how.  It's not a switch you can flip on, and it's not something you should do because it's a fad.  There are some serious moral, health, personal, and environmental implications here.

- Get decent sleep.  Once upon a time, I had a really stupid sleep schedule.  Last year, I'd stay up until one or two -- even three or four -- in the morning, then wake up between nine in the morning and one in the afternoon, depending on what classes I had.  It left me feeling groggy and depressed.  Over the summer, my sleep schedule changed quite drastically, as I had an 8-5 job that required me waking up at a quarter to seven.  I still went to bed pretty late, usually around 12:30 or one, but waking up early felt good.  These days, I get to sleep before midnight (around 11:30, usually) and wake up around 8 AM, sometimes earlier.  It's not a bad routine at all.  This sort of sleep pattern isn't for everyone, but it is more natural, and if you're looking to go outside for hiking, photography, whatever -- it's a good routine to have.

- Lastly, for now, limit internet use.  This is one I really need to work on.  Unfortunately, as college students, we have these weird, choppy schedules where time between classes or work or whatnot is too short to go for a hike or get shopping done -- and is perfect for browsing the internets.  I do it all the time, but it's time to think of alternative activities.  What can you do in a one-hour time block?  Wash dishes... draw or doodle... read a chapter or two in a book... prepare a small meal or lunch... cuddle your cat or dog or your significant other... call your family... get basic house-cleaning chores accomplished.  I've found that spending a ton of time on the internet leads to procrastination (as it is, right now).  If you're a 4channer like me, cut it down a little -- which I know is hard, but...  it can be done!

Now studying time for serious.